"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." - Benjamin Disraeli

If anyone doesn't know or can't tell, I'm a feeler by nature, and I have a minor (major in some cases) problem of feeling too much at times. I struggled with it for awhile recently, hearing my heart violently object and finding all reason to prove that it's okay to be this way all (if not most of) the time; that it's not exactly my fault since it's something in my nature that I can't change. But along the way, I realised, I could.

For one, I don't apologise for being my sometimes overly feeling self, simply because I refuse to compromise who I am. I choose to allow myself to feel and react by feeling, not just because it's instinctive, but it's also when my entire being allows itself to be real, authentic and honest with itself and with others too. I can only hope and pray that this part of me is both appreciated as well as rebuked in love in the moments I.. overdo it.

I'm really quite bad at rationalising when I'm caught up in my feelings - I'm much more aware of that now as I've ever been. And I guess because God knows that, He gave me people in my life to be my rationalisers. These people don't rationalise for me, they do it with me. They journey with me and help me reflect through what I'm feeling, and still find it in them to love me in that process. And if you ask me, I think these people are amazing :) I thank God for each one of them, for loving me and caring enough to walk me through my weakest, most vulnerable moments. I'm not sure if these people know who they are, but I sure hope they do. They absolutely need to know just what kind of a role they play in my life - Vital as ever, else I'd be a wreck most of the time, haha!

There are still many things that I'm learning, unlearning or relearning and I'm probably going to stay a work-in-progress all my life. But that's okay with me. I will take steps to truly learning and living not by what I feel or see. So please, be patient with me, for me.

All I am, is a testimony of what I'm going through. And I hope people see the imperfect parts of me more than all the things I've got right in my life. It's only through the wrong, flawed and imperfect parts of me that they can see God, and His grace, that empowers me to be more than who I am. I'll conclude with a line from a song I sang when I was still in Junior Church, "And I just thank You, Father, for making me, me."

Don't ever despise the things that go wrong and don't judge or condemn yourself for all that you can't be, even if you'd like to be stronger than that. It's not easy, but it's possible.

C. S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

I was. A Kingdom kind of world. Therefore, through Christ, I am a Kingdom being. I was made and still am worthy.

So are you.